Here's the original post: This is a long story that really started some 15 years ago. It really impacted my (33F) life, so please bear with me. When I was 18 and in my senior year of high school I really believed my life was on a good track. I lived with with with my parents and 4 siblings (23M, 22M, 20F, 14F) and spent most of my days hanging out with my best friend Ashley (18F) and/or my boyfriend of three years Kyle (20M). Both Ashley's and Kyle's parents were best friends with my parent, so I knew both of them since we were in diapers. We spent holidays together, birthdays and visited each other all the time as we lived in the same town. Ashley's been my friend for 18 years and she truly was the person I trusted with everything. Sometimes our parents would joke that we are connected by the hip as we were together all the time. I've been dating Kyle for the last 3 years. I believed he was the love of my life and the one I would eventually marry. We were quite serious and even talked about getting married after he finished college (he was a sophom*ore at that point). Although I had every plan on going to university, I was quite content with the idea of being married to Kyle and being a stay-at-home mom. My parents loved Kyle and supported our relationship. I really was happy. (I think I should note here that my sister 20 F was also dating Kyle's brother 23M and that all our siblings were very close). One day, at the beginning of the school year, I noticed that Ashley was being very melancholic and detached. After a while of prodding, she told me she was pregnant. I was very surprised because I didn't know she and her boyfriend broke up a while ago and I didn't know she had anyone else like that in her life. I asked her who the father was and she didn't want to talk about it, but in a way implied that the ex was the father. She was absolutely distraught, so I dropped the topic and just consoled her. I was with her when she told her family and while her parents were disappointed, they promised to support her in whatever she decides. They tried to make her share the dad's name but she refused and made me promise to stay quiet (They did not know she had a boyfriend at one point). I was there for her for the next nine months. I went with her for an ultrasound, doc's appointments. I was there for her when she was bullied in school for being pregnant, I helped her set up the nursery, I was there when she was sick or just felt down, I held a baby shower for her, went shopping with her, I even took some parenting classes with her. We chose names together and she even asked me to be with her in the delivery room. I noticed that the pregnancy was really taking a toll on her emotionally and physically and I tried to support her in every way possible. She was my best friend, always there for me and I loved her. Some 2 weeks before her due date I went to the mall to run some errands and ran into her ex. Although I promised never to contact her, the knowledge of my friend's emotional state sent me into a fit of anger and I confronted him. I gave him a piece of my mind, told him what a piece of sh*t he was for leaving his ex pregnant and alone and not caring for his unborn child. He was shocked and said that he had no idea what I was talking about. Ashley never told him about the pregnancy and when I told him she was 9 months pregnant at the time, he said that it was not possible for him to be the father as they broke up over a year ago and had no relations since then. I was confused but apologized for yelling at him in the middle of the mall. After that, he became snarky, said some nasty stuff, and mentioned that maybe I should ask Ashley's friend Kyle if he is the Daddy. I didn't really think about his words in any way. Kyle and Ashley have been friends their entire lives, we were always very close (because of our parents' relationship), but they never showed any sign of being anything more. That evening my younger sister (14F) and I were preparing to have a movie night. I began ranting to her about confronting Ashley's ex and his words. My sister, who is usually very outspoken, got quiet and didn't really respond to anything I said. After a while, she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I decided to go and get some snack and went downstairs to the kitchen and heard younger sister berating my mother. This part of my memory is really fuzzy as I was dealing with lots of emotions. My sister told my mom about me running into Ashley's ex and his words and told my mom she no longer wanted to hide from me the fact that Kyle was Ashley's baby's father. I was shocked. Absolutely shocked. I stumbled into the kitchen and demanded an explanation. Both my mom and my sister became white as a sheet when they saw me and my sister started crying her eyes out. My sister explained to me (some things I also learned from other people later) that appear during the end of the summer break Kyle and Ashley attended the same house party, got drunk, and slept together. Ashley got pregnant and told Kyle but they were both ''ashamed'' and afraid of telling me. They also didn't share this with their parents. Ashley however couldn't keep the secret and told her mom and dad, who told Kyle's parents and later to mine as well. This all happened when Ashley was in her first trimester. By her second trimester all of my siblings, Kyle's and Ashley's siblings knew about this. Everyone, except for me. I simply cannot explain the way I felt. I was physically ill for the next 3 days and I couldn't speak to anyone. My parents were apologetic but explained that they didn't want to see me hurt or ruin everyone's relationship. I did not speak with Kyle or Ashley, although they bombarded my phone with messages and calls and also came to my house, I refused to see them. At one point Kyle's mom came to our house and my mom allowed her into my room. While I was lying in my bed still ill and just emotionally drained from the betrayal she tried to convince me to forgive them and how Ashley and the baby need me. I said nothing. 2 weeks later Ashley went into labor. I learned from my parents that she had a hard delivery, she lost a lot of blood and needed an emergency C-section. Kyle apparently was at the birth. I was distraught, inconsolable. Because of the betrayal by both, because I planned to be there and now physically and emotionally couldn't, because I was looking forward to this moment for months… soo many reasons. My older sister immediately went to the hospital to be with her boyfriend. My other siblings weren't at home, so I was left alone with my parents. All I wanted was to lay in my bed or cuddle in my bed with my mom and cry all my feelings out. My mom received a call from Ashley's mom. She came to my room and told me that she and dad were going to the hospital. I can was perplexed and asked her to stay with me."15 years ago my (then 18F) best friend (18F) got pregnant by my boyfriend (20M) of three years and my family knew about it but didn't tell me so I ran from home. Now we are back in contact after 15 years and my (33F) mom (59F) demands I mend my relationship with the ex-bf and ex BFF."
She said that Ashley's parents need all the support they can get and that we will discuss everything later. I tried to tell her not to go and that I also need their support, but she said not to be selfish and they left. I was left alone at the house and I just couldn't comprehend what happened in the last few weeks.
I couldn't believe that my parent would go and support someone who hurt me so much, while I was also here suffering. Am I really selfish to think like that? I don't know when, but my sadness turned into rage, the kind I never experienced before. In a fit of combined emotions and feelings of betrayal, I started packing my bags and decided to leave home.
It didn't take a while, but I started having second thoughts and just sat in the living room feeling empty. After a while, I received a text from my sister. The text said that Ashley gave birth to a healthy girl and that they were both okay. She attached a pic of the newborn and told me they named her Sarah (the name Ashley and I chose some month ago).
She sent a second text a while later, telling me that my parents and she were going to join Ashley's and Kyle's parents in going to a bar in the town to celebrate. I don't remember much after that, I think I was just consumed by everything and my memory is very foggy. I left. I took a train and left.
I stayed at a hostel in Phoenix for a while. I got a job at a store and planned to finish high school there. My parents, siblings, Kyle, and Ashley tried to contact me. My mom was sending me a panicked voice mail, demanding me to comeback. They also reported me as a missing person, but I don't think it went anywhere as I was 18. Anyway. Soon afterward I met Dean (21M).
He also lived in Phoenix and had a complicated relationship with his family. We really connected and became friends soon. He helped me a lot at that time. I struggled. I had no idea how to take care of myself or how to, literally be an adult. He introduced me to his group of friends, helped me finish high school, I moved in with him and his friends.
He helped me deal with my pain (I really struggled at one point and also had some regrets. I wanted to see a therapist, but I most definitely couldn't afford it). He was there for me and supported me through everything and I don't think I would have lasted long without him. We began dating after a year. He inherited some money from his grandpa and decided to move across the country to the big city.
Although we weren't together for long, he asked me to go with him. I was a bit reluctant because we both had a lot of emotional baggage and I was still very insecure in my situation, but I did go. We moved, got jobs, and tried to survive. Soon after my 21 birthday, we decided to get married. It was a crazy, spontaneous decision, but we did it. I enrolled in university and Dean helped me pay for it.
He himself opened a company, that took off and we were able to live more comfortably. I was in uni and also worked a part-time job to contribute. We had our ups and downs but somehow survived. After uni, I started working in his company and we slowly built it up. When I look back now, I don't think I was in love with Dean when we got married. I loved him, but I wasn't in love. But he was there for me,
always, unconditionally and today I don't think I could love him more. He is the love of my life. We've been married for 12 years now and we have a two-year-old son and a six-month-old son. Sometimes I regretted leaving my family behind, but I just couldn't go back. It was very painful. I felt like my parent chose Ashley and Kyle over me. I did go to a therapist when I was 25 and tried to deal with my emotions.
Last year, at the beginning of the pandemic I received an email from a 14-year-old girl named Evelyn. She explained that she was my niece (my older sister's and Kyle's brother's kid). She knew about me and wanted to meet me. Although I was reluctant to speak to her we did exchange some emails.
Let me note that she did not know what transpired 15 years ago so the conversations were pretty innocent. We talked about her school, interest and she talked about my family (I learned I had 10 nieces and nephews). I also learned that Kyle married Ashley 4 years after I left and had 2 sons besides Sarah. My parents continued to have a friendship with Kyle's and Ashley's family and to me,
it really felt like my family continued their normal life, despite me being gone. She tried to talk to me about what happened, but I didn't really think it was my place to explain things to her, so I simply said that relationships change and things happen in life that make us go our separate ways. We continued talking ever soo often for almost a year.
In her email, this January she expressed how the pandemic had a big effect on her entire family and how my parents were struggling to keep their house and both my brothers lost their jobs and struggled to keep up with the cost. I was surprised at her knowledge of this as she was only 14, but the hardship was also causing tensions between her parents.
I started to deal with a lot of guilty feelings and regrets, I also just had my baby so that was causing me lots of emotions. I talked to my husband and he was very supportive and told me that he would be there for me for whatever I decide. We are financially stable and the pandemic didn't have a great impact on our finances. We are not rich but are able to live comfortably.
After learning some more details and talking with Dean, we decided to help my parent with their house. A week ago we flew back to my home state. I saw my family for the first time in 15 years. I had so many emotions, regrets, pains from the past, feelings of betrayal. My parent was, I think, relieved to see me. It was just such a weird day.
We had a lengthy conversation and agreed to try and have some sort of cordial relationship. It's been so long and I am very awkward with them. Sometimes they feel like strangers. Dean and I spent a week there and we continued to have a conversation and I truly believed that we were on a path to having a friendly, yet distant relationship.
But that my mom started insisting I have a sit-down conversation with Kyle and Ashley. She explained that she wants to go back to the way things were. I told her I refuse to talk to them.
Although I moved on, I simply have no ties with them now and don't want to rehash anything with them. I told her I am prepared to try and establish a relationship with them as they are my family (and I truly came to care from my niece), but that I don't want anything to do with Kyle, Ashley, or their family. I never demanded them to cease their relationship with their friends, but I don't want one.
Dean supports me. My mom called me selfishly and said that I simply must try and heal our relationship. I told her I will not negotiate and that it's on her to decide whether or not she wants to have a relationship with me.
She said OK. But 2 days later I received a phone call from Kyle's mom (I did not give her my number) and she demanded, yes demanded, I talk with Kyle and Ashley as my return caused tensions in their relationship and their emotional health. I hung up. I called my mom and confronted her. Apparently, she gave that woman my number to heal our family bonds.
I told her that she is choosing them over me again. She cried and yelled at me that I am selfish and that she just wants her family back. I hung up. It's been days since I spoke to any of them, although my mom and Kyle's mom keep on calling.
Although I think I am right and I believe I should prioritize my well-being and the well-being and happiness of my husband (who has been behind me 100 % and even told my mom off) and my sons, I am starting to have some regrets. I don't know if I should listen to my mom and speak to Ashley and Kyle.
I question whether I was overreacting 15 years ago. I am questioning whether I am truly being selfish for not actively trying to repair the relationship. I would really appreciate any advice or opinion on what to do in this situation. Suddenly I am questioning the entire course of my life. I am so lost and I don't know what to do.
Two years after her original post, OP shared this update:
My gosh, it’s been 2 years since I posted this. A lot of people have been asking me for an update. First of all, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who have been sending me updates and lovely messages. I'm truly grateful. A lot of things have happened in the last few years – not all great. Without making these 100 pages long…
I never mentioned my little sister in my original post. Her relationship with my parents went downhill after I left home, and she went no contact with them when she was 20. I received her number from our older sister and although it was awkward at first, it's been 15 years after all, we did start speaking again. She was very angry at me for leaving.
A lot has happened in her life, and it wasn't the easiest. She has a toddler and a baby of her own and I have to say that the kids have helped us bond again. She's my best friend and we talk every day. As for my other siblings. I'm in regular contact with both my brothers, although we aren't close.
My older sister and I have a good relationship now, but last year we've had a longer period of not speaking. As she is married to Kyle's brother it was hard for her to deal with all our and their family drama. We are cool now and I have a lovely relationship with my nieces and nephews. I didn't go to my niece's birthday party. It just seemed like it would be too hard for me.
Now to my parents…
This one is a little painful for me to write and at the time it felt like I was reliving all those crappy emotions I had at 18.
My mom didn't let up with her pestering over me not talking with Kyle and Ashley. Her calls for that continued for months, even after I was home again. It bordered on emotional blackmail. She blamed me for not ''honoring her wishes'' for her friendship problems, and health problems and even accused me of keeping her grandbabies from her.
Last June I had my daughter and it seems like that sent her completely over the rail. What I mean by that: 100+ calls a day, messages every 20 minutes to pester me about random things, sending me updates about people I never want to know about. When she started pestering Dean… I was done.
I was afraid to block her, so I spoke to my father. This was probably the first time in the last 17 years that we had a true heart-to-heart conversation. I was emotionally drained, tired from caring for three children, and just over everything. I've probably poured all my feeling and emotions onto him.
Idk what happened to them afterward, he doesn't speak much about it. Her calls slowly ceased and something else must have happened because in August he filed for a divorce. My father and I are in regular contact, although I don't think we'll ever be back to normal.
Mom is devastated. In August her calls became insane and apparently not just with me. I've changed my number since then and as of February, she has not been able to reach me. I've been told by one of my brothers that she has problems with anxiety and depression, and lost a lot of friends. I don't really know whether or not she continues to have a relationship with Kyle and Ashley's family.
I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, nor do I want her near my kids. The things she's said to me, about me and about my husband, whom she really doesn't know, and after 15 years of no contact is crazy. Although I regret not having a mom I feel like trying and fighting to repair the little remnants of our relationship would be a waste of my emotional energy and just pure torture.
As for Kyle and Ashley. I've received some calls from Kyle's mom as I mentioned in my original post. I blocked her and no other calls have been received from anyone. I really don't know what they are doing or where they are. I've had no contact with them.
The only thing that really happened is that… in August when everything went downhill my BIL (Kyle's brother) brought me a letter apparently written by Ashley. I've not opened it and I really don't know if I want to. I feel like I've moved on from them, but on the other hand, I'm curious as to what she has to say after so many years. However, that in itself could bring back bad emotions.
I'm doing okay now, with my babies and Dean, who is a real trooper in all of this. I'm trying to focus on my family, and I really hope that this is all behind me.
To all of you… thank you, again. If anything, else happens I'll try to update sooner.
Then, a few months after her first upate, OP shared this second update:
Dear Everyone! I have no idea if anyone will see this, but... During the last few months since I posted my update, I have received many messages with advice and words of support. I have no way of thanking you but know that your words truly mean a lot to me. I try to reply to everyone, but it sometimes takes me a while.
A lot of questions have been asked in these messages and I can't answer them all at this time. I plan on updating soon. Just to quickly answer the most common ones:
• I have not read the letter yet. Soon after updating, I started therapy again and Dean and I decided that it would be best If I gave the letter to my therapist and let him decide when and if I am ever ready to read it.
• I have not spoken to my mom since the update. I've received messages on Facebook from her and Ashley's mom (which is a first). The latter I didn't even read. I've since deactivated my Facebook for the time being.
• Neither Kyle nor Ashley tried to contact me via any social media. The only thing I know is that Kyle was asking my BIL for my address or number, but BIL refused them. That's when Ashley gave him the letter. BIL is in no contact with his family atm.
• They are separated as per my BIL, but he does not know whether they are divorced or not.
• Last week my dad was in town (he does not know my address and has never been to my house). For the first time in almost 2 decades, we had an open, honest conversation. I have to admit it was a lot and I was not good for a few days afterwards.
But it was necessary. I learned a lot about my mom ( a lot of you tried to imply there must have been something in her past to make her the way she is) and the time between them learning Ashley was pregnant and my return 2 years ago. It's a lot to unpack and I'll probably be in therapy for a long time. It's a lot really, so I'll have to write a separate update.
• Also. My little sister. She was not at fault and I never blamed her for hiding the secret from me. She was a teen and she knew it was wrong, but she was put under a lot of pressure by our mom. After I left her life was hell and our mom was insufferable and blamed her for a lot of things.
Again thank you for your words of support and encouragement. Lots of you sent words for Dean as well and he has read them. You are right, he is the best and I probably would not have been where I am today without him.
Please appreciate your families (if they are there for you in good and bad of course). Call your parents and sibling and tell them how much you love them. In moments like this, we realize how much we undervalue the good people in our lives.
A few months later, she shared this third and final update:
Hello! She was never bullied before really, it started after she got pregnant. Our state is pretty conservative, so it wasn't well received that she was pregnant, unmarried, and without a partner. There was no physical violence, people were quite mean and kept reminding her of her mistakes. I don't know if people knew that he was the father, I always just assumed it was because she was pregnant.
I've learned from my dad that apparently they weren't hooking up with each other before (but that could be a lie), but apparently she did like him, so it wasn't really just an awkward, drunk one-night stand with just anyone. Knowing this fact would probably kill me back then, but I sort of assumed without being told. Her ex suspected it.
They didn't date anymore at the party, but I think he also never liked K, so seeing them together like that was a red flag. I wasn't a party animal, nor was she, but idk they just went that day. I don't remember if they went together or separately, but I'd assume the latter. She did have other friends after all, who enjoyed night outs. The drunkness part. I really don't remember them being that heavy drinkers.
At least I never saw her drunk to the point that she was reckless or had a ''loss of memory''. So I never really believed that part much, but I wasn't there. And really it doesn't matter, drunk or not, it was a betrayal.
I read some of Kyle's texts back then. I never answered any of the phone calls or anything. I never spoke to them after I learned that he was the father. I kinda regret that now, maybe it would have been more beneficial for everyone if I gave them a good earful, expressed all the pain, and gone no contact after that, but I just wasn't in the right state of mind and I was sick a lot back then.
This current letter is from her and I haven't read it yet.
At this point, I believe that my mom is grieving the lost of a tight family/friendship unit that we had when I was younger and some other relationship. She has yet to realize that none of HER five kids speak or see her.
None of her grandchildren see her. None of us (as far as I know) speak to her. That in itself would be the end for me. I can't imagine what emotional state she must be in. We all agree that we need psychological or psychiatric help. She refused. Dad and eldest brother tried, but you can't convince someone like that.
© Copyright
2024
Someecards, Inc
